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To self discovery.


Your benevolent Chief in all her glory.

📸: @hafsi_hafeedoh on IG.


"Choose yourself, twice".

This journey to self discovery is a tough one. In life, people speak of how to treat others, how to be a kind person to them but rarely ever remind you to extend the same grace to yourself. 

For example, look at me. I recently evaluated and realized that how a lot of people treated me was only an extension of how I treated myself. I almost never cut myself any slack, at the slightest mistake I'm quick to call myself names, never extending any iota of grace as I would to any other person. 

This behavior is toxic, and coming to terms with it was hard. 

I found out that I disrespected myself in many ways. 

From watering down my skills and achievements just to make others comfortable,

To calling myself names,

To blaming myself for little mistakes and even situations I had no control over. 

By doing these things I indirectly sent signals to people that it is okay to water down my abilities and even doubt my skillset,


That it is okay to call me disrespectful names. 

Learning to apologise to myself is one of the things I've learnt on this journey. 

Henceforth, I'm going to practice speaking to myself kindly. 

I'm focusing on forgiving myself for all my mistakes. 

Just because I got in one terrible relationship and had the guts to leave  doesn't make me a bad person. Why should I continue to carry that shame?

Just because I failed at a few things doesn't make me a failure.


The beautiful thing about life is how we get to try so many things, meet so many people and learn from new experiences everyday. 

One wrong turn doesn't reduce my essence and I'm so glad I'm learning this.

I'm looking forward to trying new things a lot more. 

Figuring out life, trying all the one thousand and one different things until I find the best fit. 


I may have trivialized my pain in the past because it was how I knew to cope but not anymore. I'm tired of carrying so much regrets for a situation that was bad for me. 

I have hounded myself so much and it has held me down for too long....

I'm tired of wearing one bad experience like a cloak around my shoulders. It's too heavy a load for me, for anyone. 


So cheers to a new dawn🥂.



June 2021. 

Feelings: Currently I'm feeling numb. A lot happened to me two days ago and I'm taking a lot of time to process and evaluate my feelings. Although, I'm struggling to explain why I'm feeling certain emotions but I'm also recognising that they are valid. 


Thoughts: I'm currently thinking about food. I had the worst meal ever at an upscale restaurant recently. So, I'm thinking of eating something really delicious as an apology for inflicting pain on myself. Also, I'm thinking about money. Not as much as I naturally would and I'm kinda bothered. 


Music: I'm currently listening to Butter by BTS. Closely followed by God's menu by Stray Kids. May the heavens release me from the shackles of Korean men. 


Reading: I'm going to read Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's the thing around your neck. Technically, I haven't started reading it but I make the rules here anyway.



Till next time,

Love and Champagne 🥂,

Chief.





 

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