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Surviving Naija




 
"Nigeria jaga jaga, everything scatter scatter, poor man dey suffer suffer gbosa gbosa gun shots Inna the air"

-Eedris Abdulkareem.

Hearty greetings to you my dear and welcome back to the Dom. It's been a whole minute guys and I apologise for leaving you high and dry. Pour a glass in my name please ♥️. 

I read a tweet sometime ago about how if you're born Nigerian, you're already  at a disadvantage automatically and truth be told that is 99% true. 

There are so many questions to ask when it comes to Nigeria like "What is happening?" "What is the plan for us?" "Where are we going?" "Who is doing us?" . These are the questions on our lips everyday, the questions that have remained unanswered. In case you haven't noticed, there is only one enemy here and it is NIGERIA.

The general "anyhowness" of this country is out to get you . So before that happens, you must get Nigeria first. 

"Na madness we dey use cure madness". That's all you need to know about winning in this country.

Today, I won't be complaining/rambling about all the things that are going south in Naija ( I'm a big girl now, I'm past all of that) , I'm here to teach you how to exist and possibly win in such an interesting place. Before I do that, first let me clear the air.

Contrary to popular opinion, I actually do love Nigeria. However, love doesn't solve every problem. Loving Nigeria has only brought me a fair share of shame, anger and overall dissapointment . Going forward,I've decided to love Nigeria when I'm outside it. Patriotism is sweeter from diaspora. I don't want to say too much right now but my testimony would be complete when Canada finally accepts me.

Until then, allow me share a few tips on how to win in Nigeria.

1. Never be caught Unawares: This is Nigeria, snakes swallow money,funds dissapear, happenings happen. No big deal. No matter how ridiculous the case is don't you ever act surprised. You can be dissapointed, angry but don't you dare be surprised . You need to show Nigeria who's boss and the first step to doing that is letting them know nothing can shock you. That way you're prepared for any form of global disgrace and you can take it without fear.

2. Be Pessimistic: Optimism is a very fantastic trait to have but keep all of that in check the moment you enter Nigeria. You need the right amount of pessimism to thrive in this clime. Why? Because in Nigeria you need to always think of the worse case scenario so you can have back ups and back up-back ups . Having back ups won't always save you but it at least gives you a shot. When you think of the worst, you'd plan for the better. No need to thank me, you're welcome.

3. Never lose guard: Always jazz up, never ever lose focus. Sometimes you'd get carried away by the short interlude of happiness and tranquility in the country but don't be decieved. Nigeria is still out to get you. Never forget.

4. Bring Guns to ALL Knife fights: Literally, because there are no rules here and nobody follows them . So always come extra prepared. If you're job seeking and they ask for 2 years experience, give them 8 . Remember the goal is to outsmart them.

5. The goal is to Win: If you're a proper Nigerian you'd know that the goal is to WIN. Everything and anything in this country is a challenge and you must win it. You must leave your house three hours before just so you can beat traffic. You must win my dear, you must .

 6. The battle never ends: You think the battle ends? Lol You're in an endless battle with all the forces at work in Nigeria. You must wake up every day ready to throw hands at everything Nigeria throws at you. You're a fighter please. That is how to survive in  this place.


I know you must be feeling so thankful and grateful but it's okay. I have a lot more to share but let me just leave you with this beautiful reminder I give myself everyday.


"I will win against Nigeria. I will go and I shall never return."


On that note , I bid you farewell guys. Till next time,

Your imperial Chief,

(all the way from Canada or Norway in Jesus name)

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